Home Forums Miscellaneous Outdoor Quotations Pocket Taser…..(joke)

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  • Avatarearache_my_eye
    Participant
    Post count: 129

    Last weekend, I saw something at Larry’s Pistol &
    Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife
    Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
    pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
    were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
    adequate time to retreat to safety.
    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    home. I loaded 2 triple-A batteries in the darn
    thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however,
    that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
    a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the
    blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
    between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
    that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
    thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with
    only 2 triple-A batteries, right?! !

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
    intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
    directions and thinking that I really needed to try
    this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I
    must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
    fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
    She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
    this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
    I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong???

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
    with my reading glasses perched delicately on
    the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand
    and taser in another.

    The directions said that a 1-second burst would
    shock and disorient your assailant;
    a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
    a 3-second burst would reportedly make your
    assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would
    be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I’m looking at this little device
    measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch
    in circumference — pretty cute really and
    (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
    thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

    What happened next is almost beyond description,
    but I’ll do my best… I’m sitting there alone,
    Gracie looking on with her head *censored*ed to
    one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it, dumbass,’
    reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny
    little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided
    to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
    the button and…

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

    I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
    sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner,
    then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
    side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
    wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
    with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
    had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
    to herself, ‘Do it again, stupid, do it again!’

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself
    with a taser, 1 note of caution: there is no such thing as a
    1-second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3-second burst
    would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-*%#… That hurt like **% !!!
    A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a
    relative thing at that point),
    I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
    and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
    were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
    still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
    with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.

    I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a
    significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S.
    My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

    Avatarbigdug
    Participant
    Post count: 107

    that is awesome!!!!! haha

    Avatarhblackmon
    Participant
    Post count: 604

    Funny– good story.

    Avatarcast n
    Participant
    Post count: 267

    I feel your pain!! Us LE guys need to take a five second jolt to carry one. We call it “riding the lightning” 😆 I can only speculate what child birth is like, but that can’t be far off. Great Story!

    Avatar[email protected]
    Blocked
    Post count: 20268

    Curosity got the human not the cat this time, funny stuff 😀 Don’t you have a friend or family member you could of tried this on instead of yourself?

    Avatarjardan
    Participant
    Post count: 3314

    That joke has been floating around for sometime now and it still makes me cringe when I read it. 😆 😆

    Avatardkwolf
    Participant
    Post count: 3697

    Quote by: jardan

    That joke has been floating around for sometime now and it still makes me cringe when I read it. 😆 😆

    Yep… one of those classics that no matter how many times you read it, no matter how well you know the story, it still brings tears to your eyes laughing.

    “Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank” is another one…

    AvatarWick
    Participant
    Post count: 1694

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 ❗ ❗ ❗

    AvatarStickman
    Participant
    Post count: 788

    For those who have ever been close to being on the recieving end of one from the police, don’t do it!!! The police issued ones have way more juice in them than the ones you can just go out and buy. Been there, and done that. I will do everything in my power to never do it again. 😯 😯 😯

    AvatarCAO Vision
    Participant
    Post count: 476

    For those who have ever been close to being on the recieving end of one from the police, don’t do it!!! The police issued ones have way more juice in them than the ones you can just go out and buy. Been there, and done that. I will do everything in my power to never do it again.

    I would rather take 15 rides off of a taser than 1 hit of Pepper spray!!! The little handheld stunguns that people are calling tasers dont even come close to an actual taser. lol Those little stunguns dont even give the jolt of a cattle prod!

    AvatarLab Man
    Participant
    Post count: 297

    I had to take 2 seconds from a Tazer. If Law Enforcement puts that red dot on you do everything the fine officer instructs you to do. I would rather take pepper spray then the tazer again. That sucked!!!!!!

    AvatarCRshorthair
    Participant
    Post count: 537

    All joking aside, I was dry-tazed (where it has to be pushed against you to work) by a Marion Police officer with two Linn county Sherrifs and another Marion officer just trying to get my hands behind my back. I was resisting but not fighting. It took 15 shots before it even changed my attitude. The officer started at the back of my knee and kept firing it up to my buttocks. I was not drunk or on any other drugs… I would NEVER allow any of my loved ones to carry a tazer or stun-gun of any sort. They are a joke in terms of stopping power.

    AvatarCRshorthair
    Participant
    Post count: 537

    Actually the picture of the yellow gun is the same was that was used on me. Does it have a setting where it doesn’t shoot the prods and can be used as a “stungun”?

    AvatarIAdukhntr
    Participant
    Post count: 148

    Taser / Stun Gun are bad..I was lucky enough to take a hit from each one and will never ever want to take the full ride. Pepper spray did not effect me when I certified on it.

    Avatarcoyote seeker
    Participant
    Post count: 6

    I would much rather take a jolt from my tazer than do peper spray myself. hated both but would do the tazer anytime. Its quick and temporary.

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